Quitting Journey


I've started day one of my attempt to quit smoking with great enthusiasm. The kind of enthusiasm that comes from the thought of doing something, and not actually doing it yet.

It's promises of all the good things that come from quitting, with the preparation and  knowledge of all the shit stuff... that I haven't actually had to endure yet.

Having done this before, day one for me is generally not a problem, it's day three, four, five. It's when I actually start to feel the benefits of not smoking. When I start to feel like I can breathe better, and I get over the initial hair tearing out withdrawals, and I think to myself.. I feel pretty good. When I can smell better, and taste better, thats when I think to myself, that Maybe I haven't done that much damage from my years of smoking, quitting wasn't  actually that hard, I can do it again if I had to.. I might celebrate with a cigarette.

Even as I write that, I can see how stupid it is, but that is predictably how my brain works.
I have to be smarter than my brain.

I can't think clearly, I emptied the non recyclables into the recycling bin, I tried to charge the home phone on the ipod dock.
I keep leaving the fridge door open and walking into a room and forgetting why I was there like I have early onset dementia.
I feel nervous for some reason. Jittery.

Being on the phone is hard.
Smoking and the phone go hand I hand for me, the phone rings and I grab the phone first and then a cigarette second. It's not unusual for me to chain smoke while I'm on the phone, I chat and puff till I sound like a man and have a headache.

To make matters worse, the only peace I get on the phone is when I go outside, away from the general child noise and constant requests for things. Being outside and smoking also go hand in hand for me.
If I'm completely honest, going outside to have a cigarette is an escape from the kids. It's reasonable for me to expect the kids to be away from me when I am smoking, it's five minutes peace, it's me giving myself a time out.

I feel ok about telling the kids to ping ding, because you know... Smoking around the kids is bad.
But what if smoking took me away from my kids permanently? I  would give anything for all of those little five minute time outs, to be with them back.

I find myself being short tempered and impatient with the woes of my friends and family on the Phone. I'm unsympathetic to their need for an ear to listen. It's not that I don't care for their feelings, or that I don't want to talk, it's just that I spend the whole time I'm on the phone reminding myself that I'm a non smoker. I get momentarily distracted with the conversation and I find myself subconsciously searching for my cigarettes.

I pace and tap my pockets. I open my hand bag several times, before I remember I don't smoke anymore, and I try to distract myself with wiping bench tops and I stacking the dishwasher.
I've hung up on friends and family accidentally with my cheek, while I balance a load of washing in my arms and the phone in the crook of my shoulder, trying to distract myself.
It takes every ounce of strength I have to call the person back.

My throat aches with the need for a cigarette, it's a need that just won't be pacified with gum or any other of the NOT. FUCKING.HELPING. YOU. STUPID... FUCKING. ASSHOLE!! suggestions that are listed to aid in giving up.

I have found myself though, chomping on ice cubes. I think it's a need to numb my mouth. It's really disgusting if you think about it, that my body misses my tongue being numb and flavourless. I enjoy the pain of holding the ice too long on one spot in my mouth. My need to devour frozen coke is massive and the people at the Macca's drive through are judging me. They can fuck off though, because today I am determined.

I'm turning the phone off tomorrow, because tomorrow will be harder than today.  Everyone who needs me can suck a fart, because Self sabotage is a stubborn friend to break up with.

I just have to keep telling myself that I don't smoke anymore, even though I think about smoking ALL THE TIME, but I don't smoke anymore.
I don't smoke, anymore.

Please keep me in your thoughts after dinner.. That one.. That one feels like a lost friend.
Because I don't smoke anymore.

One day down, the rest of my life to go.

Em xx

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