So day five… Day five was… interesting.
It started out OK, I had a renewed sense of will power, I have almost made it a whole week and I have endured the toughest part, and I am beginning to come out the other side.
My head is clearer and my senses are slowly recovering.
Meanwhile, my laundry stinks like ass. I can’t figure out if it has always stunk like ass and I couldn’t smell it before, or if this smelling like ass is a new thing..I think it’s the drain? Anyway, Day five was spent just trying to keep busy and distracting myself. Mainly with food...
My rage was steady, and my headache seemed to be lifting to a treatable with Panadol level.
Everything was coming up Millhouse, until…
I was out on the front porch, giving my old smoking area a bit of a spruce up. I need to change it a bit so I am not reminded of my old smoking haunt every time I enter or exit the house, when I heard it...
It was good old Robbo from a few houses down, for those of you unfamiliar with Robbo, he is the delightful creature responsible for such three AM hits as;
‘Where the fuck are me fuckin fongs!?!’
‘I’m Dyin of fuckin first here woman, where’s me fuckin beer!?’
And we can’t forget the the classic hit, ‘what have ya done wiv me fongs, Vis joint, is farken filfy’.
(O.S READERS; FONGS= THONGS which actually =Flip flops)
Now, I was really in no mood for Robbo that day, in fact my bullshit intolerance since I have given up smoking has steadily increased, but Robbo being Robbo, refused to be ignored, in fact he seemed louder than usual and I wondered for a second if my hearing improved along with my other senses without smoking, when I realised that he was next door.
He was next door, on the porch of my single mother neighbour, ranting and raving and threatening to harm their cat if it ever came over into his yard again. I know right? Delightful..
It was at this point that I heard the distress of the young boy, who lived next door, and it clicked, Robbo was threatening the pet of a young boy, in front of the young boy, and spreading his alcoholic intimidation all over my neighbour.
And there I was, giving up smoking, with all of this pent up rage just going to waste!!
So I stomped over to next door and calmly asked Robbo, what the fuck he thought his pathetic drunk loser ass was doing this time?
He turned to me, and continued to rant and slur and stumble and informed me that the same went for me, that my dogs and cats would also meet a similar demise.
Now, I can’t really blame my giving up smoking rage for the following scene, you see, smoking or no, there are two things that will get my goat any day of the week.
One being, animal cruelty and two being fuck witts.
I’m not above putting a child in their place at an EdSheeran concert, I was certainly not putting up with any of Robbo’s shit. Not today sir.
I MARCHED.. and I mean MARCHED, finger pointed at his drunk face, purposefully, eyes glaring and locked with his over to my neighbours porch, at which point he backed away, hands in a surrender position as though I were about to arrest him, back out onto the very public nature strip.. He backed off and I just kept marching. Marching and yelling..
I yelled, for all to hear that if he thought it was OK to intimidate people and threaten animals then he could come here and do it, I also informed him that he might not be aware, seeing as he was such a drunk fuckwitt, that the normal thing to do was to politely knock on someone’s door and have a POLITE conversation if you were having a problem, failing that, you were to report it to the council, and that he had NO right to threaten my neighbour or to swear in front of her child.. which I know, Is what I had just done..
I went all.. “Don’t you Fucking swear in front of the kids” on him.
It was at this point he called me ugly, which I found to be slightly amusing and I informed him that he needed more than three teeth, and brain cells to insult me, while he was processing that, Cabbage had heard the commotion and joined me, and by joined me, I mean he was now about three centimetres away from Robbo’s rancid face, warning him that he was out of line.
It was at this point that Robbo apologised to cabbage for insulting me or as Robbo so eloquently put it,
“Sorry for bein rude to ya Mrs”
Fuck, this is so embarrassing.. But it goes on...
Now we were joined by two of our other neighbours, whom Robbo had nick named “Terminator and Terminators Mrs” because he couldn’t remember their names, but had heard the commotion and were clearly concerned that fisty cuffs may erupt at any moment, also, they were just as itching to give Robbo a piece of their mind.
All the other neighbours that did not join us were now staring at us from their front porches, shooshing each other so that they would not miss any of the verbal exchange, enthralled in the unfolding drama, including... wait for it... Our new neighbours that had bought the house across the road and moved in about a week ago, that we had yet to meet.
Not since the crazy lady who mistakenly thought that I had stolen her house or the great divorce of 2010 up the road had the street seen so much drama... It was usually a quiet street, dare I say it, a rather popular and sought after street, I mean.. at the top of our street is a better Street, but Real Estate Agents use the name of our Street to market the properties for sale on it, in big bold font. We are proud of our views and location! WE ARE FUCKING CLASSY OK?!?
It was at this point, that Robbo’s flat mate came out to try and pacify the situation; he expressed his apologies for Robbo’s behaviour and his embarrassment at the situation... Yep, HE was embarrassed...
Robbo JUST KEPT GOING, with the yelling and the intimidating my neighbour and the uselessness. So I began again ,with the pointing in his face, I informed him that I thought he was a loser, and that if he thought that by killing defenceless animals in some way made me think he was tough, or scary he had another thing coming, and furthermore, I thought anyone capable of those kinds of things were beyond help, that they had a screw loose and were a pathetic useless drain on society, I then told him to go home and have another fucking drink.. I then continued on, using the following words, in which order I am not sure... unhinged, psychopathic, alcoholic, useless waste of air and resources, and I sincerely hoped that he stay the fuck away from me and my neighbours.
Cabbage told him that he suspected Robbo would be very embarrassed in the morning should he remember any of this, and Robbo then apologised, and started back to his house and I felt like shit…
For about five seconds, because Robbo soon turned around and started yelling again that he would kill any animal he seen (read saw) if he so much as saw them lookin at his free legged cat (Read three legged cat), also, he was good at cutting things, he then extended an invitation to come and look at the power pole out the front of his house, he was almost done cutting it down because the power companies were ripping him off.
At this point I just felt sad for Robbo, I mean what tool.. It was then that I, next door, Cabbage, Terminator and terminator’s Mrs, who’d had our back that day, began the slow walk of shame, with the beady eyes of the rest of the entire street on us. The little boy next door gave me a weak smile.. I went inside and reported his public drunkardness to the police.
I have never been so fucking embarrassed in my entire life.
To save face, I thought it best to make some sort of introduction to the new neighbours across the road. Not straight away.. But soon. I would make sure that this time I had shoes on.. OMG.. CRINGE, YOU CAN NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP!!!
Despite the overwhelming majority of my Facebook suggesting that I knock on the new people’s door and behave normally this time, I just couldn’t bring myself to face them. The next day I popped a Christmas card in their letter box and ran back inside before anyone saw me.
The card read;
Hi New neighbours!
I looked around to find the right card to welcome you to the street, but unfortunately hallmark do not make, ‘I’m sorry you had to witness that screaming Bogan argument yesterday’ cards, so I settled on a Christmas one.
We are so terribly embarrassed.
Unfortunately, a few doors down have been having a hard time of late, and an argument erupted over cats, I think?! After he had a few too many.
We would like to reassure you, that you have not moved in to an episode of Houso’s, and this is not a regular occurrence, in fact, that was our first ever bogan street argument, so I am not quite sure of the etiquette in apologising to your new neighbours you have not yet met.
Anyway, WELCOME to the neighbourhood! & our sincerest apologies.
Emma and Cabbage (across the road)