I would describe days three and four as defeated and fairly uneventful.
I was surprised at just how little I felt like a cigarette, and for the moments that I did, I was pleased to find that the cravings went away fairly quickly. My ravenous, hair pulling cravings seemed to have subsided, except for after dinner.
After dinner cravings have been bad. I did a bit of research and found that these types of cravings were triggered by habits and rituals. The craving itself had little to do with my body's need for nicotine and everything to do with my brain expecting a cigarette, because that is what I’d always done, therefore it filled my every thought with the need for an after dinner cigarette. Like a rat with a pellet.
They are called cessation cravings. They are a mother fucker.
The best way to tackle these cravings were to shake up my routine, I need to replace my brains expectations after dinner, by creating a new after dinner activity.
I scrolled through the suggestions listed on the website, I quickly decided against
Washing up, going for a run, meditating, yoga and TALKING ON THE PHONE!!
I actually gave my computer screen the forks, and followed through with a fart noise.
I’ve decided that after dinner I would have a shower. Feeling clean seems to help and it saves time in the morning.
Creating new routines seems to be pivotal in the whole adjustment to being a non-smoker. I didn’t realise how much of my day really revolved around having a cigarette.
Wake up, Cigarette, Coffee, Cigarette, Finish cleaning the kitchen, cigarette.
I have been rewarding myself with nicotine for so long for the most simplest and mundane tasks that functioning without it is hard right now.
It’s hard to create new routines when you feel so unmotivated, so for now I am replacing those routines by eating EVERYTHING, and when I run out of things to eat, I just make more things to eat. Shortbread, cupcakes, pancakes, caramel slice. I bake in between maniacally crocheting cushion covers and grocery bags.
Whatever, I’m going to be kind to myself, and if I want to spend all day eating shit and baking more when I run out, to get me through the tough bit, then so be it.
I feel a little down, my mood has been a bit dark, I feel like I’m coming down with the flu that never eventuates and I have been sleeping terribly. So most of day three and four, I spent moping around, generally feeling like a loser... Checking Facebook every eight seconds, silently stalking everybody’s goings on, till I saw something I liked and hit ‘Like’
By three PM, I felt I had to be a bit selective with my likes, lest anyone think I spent ALL day on Facebook, I mean, I did spend all day on Facebook, but I really didn’t want everyone to know that.
Day four saw a return of some of the restlessness that was noticibly absent on day three, and I had the mother of all headaches. I was very short tempered with the kids. I felt terrible, the kind of terrible that makes you want to cry when you see them sleeping.
But honest to fuck, every time they spoke it was like fingernails on a chalk board. It didn’t help that every sentence that left their little mouths began with “MaaaaaAAAAAM” In that really annoying whiney tone, the tone that anticipates me saying no to whatever they are about to ask, and so they begin whinging in anticipation of me saying no before they have even asked.
They were most likely reacting to my mood and short temperedness, but it was like they could not take no for an answer. They had to ask the same question, over and over, expecting a different answer. Increasing the pitch and intensity of their whinging every time they asked.
By mid morning I sat them down to explain that I was not angry with them, that I was just in a really bad mood and although it may seem like I was angry at them, I wasn’t. I just had zero patience for anything right now, I had a bad head ache and I was very tired and irritable, because that’s what giving up smoking does.
They took it OK.
On the up side, my sense of smell is renewed; I can smell smoke on my unlaundered clothes and on my pillow case. I can’t believe I smelt like that and had no idea, so I have been washing.
I have not washed this obsessively since the great Gastro/Nit outbreak of 2012, and our Christmas tree is in the spot that my clean laundry chair usually is, so this means that I actually have to fold and put away as I do each load. Wouldn't it be great if my new routine was being organised?
Brighter still, by the end of day four, my rage seems to be subsiding... or should I say SEEMED to be subsiding, because, day five...
*Cue Dark ominous clouds
Day five was the most embarrassing day of my life... More embarrassing than when I fell over that time, remember that?
Day five... saw my involvement in a very public, Bogan neighbour argument... In the middle of the street, complete with yelling, name calling, angry hand gestures and tears, all in front of the NEW neighbours that just moved in about a week ago.
I can’t.. I can’t even… The SHAME.
But this my friends, is another post all together.