Friday, April 17, 2015

Everyone is just a massive mess, even me.



So I have this whole thing I am trying to work through, I am trying to evolve as a person and trying to sort out some damage. I don’t want to fix that damage, I just want to make sense of it, organise it, and make it productive.

You see, I have this whole theory about personality traits. I feel like personality traits are just manifestations of people’s damage. 

I am fascinated with WHY people are the way that they are, I have found that lots can be forgiven if you know the why’s about people. We live in a society that is obsessed with the ‘What’s” about people, I wonder if we were as obsessed with the ‘why’s’ how different everything would be.

Truth be told, we are all just different degrees of damage, just walking around with our damage all hanging out.

“Everyone is fucked up.

Those who are mildly fucked up have the benefit of calling their damage a personality trait. The world is full of people simply picking through the carnage of being human, just trying to make some sense of it. Like, I spend my founding years around a person who was so unpredictable that I had to learn to read the smallest of cues just to be able to function.

When you are reading cues from such a young age, trying to pick what it is that will set someone off next, you just become really good at reading small cues. People will tell me that I am great at reading people like it’s a personality trait to be admired, when really, it’s just my damage.

Everyone’s damaged.
Those that don’t know it either turn it into amour and learn to walk around with all this rampart in the same space as people who are lucky enough to call their damage personality traits.

Sometimes they run

 What’s fucked though, is giving up on trying to make that damage a personality trait at all, and instead make that damage a weapon.

That’s just how it is, we are all just different degrees of damage, and we try and label it and box it in a great quest to be normal, only there’s no normal, there are just really damaged people, who make those who are less damaged feel better.
Then, and listen OK?  There are really damaged people who learn to organise it, they don’t have to make sense of why they were damaged, they just learn to make sense of the damage itself.

That damage becomes something brilliant. ” ~MW

This quote comes from this guy I made up.

Wait... that makes me sound deranged, let me explain, that quote comes from a character in my book.

His name is Mathew Walker. He is divine and ‘Prison hot’. (That term will make sense to you once you read it).

Man, I really want you to read it; I am impatient for you to read it because I am an impatient person.

I have to wait though; I have to take feedback not as criticism but as advice. I can’t cheat everyone who spends their hard earned money to read it by not developing the characters properly; I want you to understand what it is I am trying to say with them.
I don’t want to dumb it down or just stick it with sex and proven commercial pleasing formulas. I put too much into it now to just do that.

I want to say something with it. I can’t do that by being impatient to have it all NOW. I know what I am trying to say and I have to take my time making sure that message conveys. I need to learn. You know…I still want it now, but I have to learn that can’t give up what I want the most for something I want right now.



A publisher gave me feedback on the book. They used the words hilarious, intriguing. They want to publish it but it either has to be commercial enough, or the characters need to be developed enough. I need to pick a side and then give it back.

 I don’t want to write that. It is embarrassing. I don’t want to feel like I am failing at this. I have already told everyone and I want it NOW DAG NAM IT.

I want to make excuses for this. I want to rage. Did you know it’s not that I didn’t finish high school, but I COULD’NT finish high school? YOU DON”T KNOW MY WHY!!! Do you know I am TRYING REALLY fucking hard to learn? 
I am trying to learn the right ‘Your” and “Their” and where to put an apostrophe, Everyone can kindly fuck right off.

You know, I am really not one for excuses, but man they are easier to use than the truth sometimes yes?

No one cares, it's not their problem nor should it be.

It wasn't a no. *Breathe.

My teacher at Uni said to me that I am hilariously oppositional defiant, that I have a humorous way of conveying my anti-authoritinaraism, (I don’t even know if that word actually exists because my spell check doesn’t know what the fuck I am talking about).

I am impatient, and could be brilliant if it wasn’t for that impatience. That I need to allow myself to make the most of what I have, to take on board what other people want to contribute to me, not because it makes me wrong, but because it makes me better. I am good. Learn to be patient and become brilliant.


I would settle for just being good enough that everyone will understand what I am trying to say.

Anyway.. Turns out, I have picked a side.


"You say that musicians are the most damaged of all creative types, because they take all their turmoil and turn it into something everyone wants to listen to. I say creative writers are people pleasers, that’s their damage.

They take all of life’s carnage and re write in into something that will please people enough to want to read. Stop trying to please everyone, please yourself. I want to read that."
~Mathew Walker.

Learning to be patient is a huge fuck stain on my life right now. It’s all there in my damage, I just have to organise it.

So enough whining. Time to suck it up a great big word hole full, of harden the fuck up princess, from a great big mug of keep going.

(Maybe not right away though, because this weekend, I am taking a road trip with my bestie to do an interview with some very cool and talented musicians this weekend, *Shifty eyes. Developing characters might have to wait for a bit till I blow off some steam and have some fun yes? You know, It would almost be Un-Oppositionally defiant not to.)

Can’t wait to tell you about it.


Emma xx