Friday, March 27, 2015

You park like an asshole


It’s Friday people, it is a time to vent out the weeks frustrations, take a deep cleansing breath and embrace the weekend.
Nothing much annoyed me this week, which is a rare event seeing as I am easily angered, annoyingly opinionated and loud. However, all was not lost because I do the school run.

If you enjoy being angered, or holding back the urge to yell swears at the parents and guardians of your children’s peers out of a car window, then I highly suggest that you do the school pick up, slash drop off.

Please read the following in your best nature documentary type voice.



In the heart of suburbia, amongst the tree lined streets, cottage gardens containing gladioli and lavender in the yards of houses that are both, heritage listed or revamped red brick masterpieces that have been clad in an attempt to impersonate or blend in with the heritage listed, an odd phenomenon occurs.

This strange and infuriating phenomenon occurs twice a day in ten week blocks throughout the year. It is often mistaken for its distant relatives, the “trying to get a parking spot around Christmas time phenomenon” or the “Local IGA will be closed for a day due to a public holiday, I must go in and buy every loaf of bread and fill eighteen fucking trolley’s with food in case my family will starve in that time phenomenon”

It differs from these relatives however, in that it occurs outside of holiday periods, and although it is lesser known than its famous relatives, it occurs with far more frequency.
Let’s take a look today, at the phenomenon known as “Selfish, fucking prick, asshole parent and guardian phenomena”

Each and every week day of the school term throughout the nation, normal, everyday people who are not actual assholes turn into assholes, twice a day. First in the morning between the hours of 8am - 9.30am, and again between the hours of 2.30pm and 4pm. This phenomenon occurs when these every day and unsuspecting people travel by car, through a stretch of road commonly referred to as the “Asshole area”.

To many, these asshole areas are hard to detect and people can become confused by the sudden change of personality in the people who enter them. However if you look closely, there are several tell-tale signs that you are about to enter Asshole Territory. (Territory here is not a pun and is no way having a ‘dig’ at the unnecessary 4WD many of the people who enter these areas are driving.)


Your first warning that you are indeed entering the territory are strange markings on the road. Broken or unbroken lines suddenly give way to strange zig zag or triangular markings such as these;
Miss these however, and all is not lost, as less obscure signs are to follow.


Such as these strange road markings that form the numerical value of 40.



Signs are also erected which depict two people of differing sizes holding hands and carrying brief cases. The brief cases are there to indicate that you are entering an area in which many people would welcome a bag snatching, just so that they may vent their rage by beating the bag snatcher about the head with said bag.

These are also followed by signs that warn you of the times in which the asshole phenomena will occur. If you happen to be passing through an asshole area during the danger time, you are warned of it by violently flashing lights, such is the danger of becoming an inconsiderate asshole should you attempt to leave your vehicle in a stationary position in order to exit your vehicle and return to it at a later time.

What is it I hear you ask? What strange events transpire there? How will I know if I am affected by the asshole area?


Take note of the following symptoms;



Dramatic and offensive interpretive dance like signalling.

These interpretive dance like signals, are an intricate formation of head and hand gestures, as well as facial expression. These interpretive dance moves; Bird flipping, solemn head shaking, exasperated hand flinging, pointing to random areas of the road in and around the vicinity of your vehicle are common.

These gestures may be accompanied by descending ones window with far more speed and force than usual in order to allow words of anger to be more easily heard.

Common words of anger are,

“Are you kidding me!?” “You’ve got to be kidding me?!”

“What the fuck are you doing?!”

“Come off it”

“Kiss and go zone asshole, not get out of the car and stay as long as you fucking like zone!?”



Inability to accurately judge proportions.

Those affected by this phenomena are somehow tricked into thinking that their vehicle requires an obscene amount of vacant space on either side of their vehicle before it can be safely left in a stationary position.

This space must be large enough to declare how much of an inconsiderate asshole they are, yet not quite large enough for another vehicle to inhabit this space or “Void of selfishness”.

On the opposite end of this spectrum, some afflicted by these phenomena, probably due to complete desperation, is tricked into thinking that their vehicle will fit into a space when it clearly doesn’t.

This person will navigate and intricate and complex series of turns. Navigating their vehicle forward and backward in increments of 2-4cm in order to force their vehicle fit into someone else’s void of selfishness.

This will alter the flow of traffic as other vehicles wait for the intricate manoeuvre to reach completion. It also creates a Tetris like lock of vehicles, from which no one can escape.


Delusions of being the only grain of sand on the beach

These symptoms are marked by people who chose to leave their vehicle in dangerous or highly inconsiderate positions, such as obscuring the view of oncoming traffic, or perhaps the person afflicted becomes unaware that a resident who happens to live in the asshole radius may need to use the function that is their own driveway.

Perhaps you will see those under the influence of being an asshole; walk out in front of your vehicle, as though daring you to make contact with your vehicle on their pedestrian status.

People under the effects of this phenomena will become completely unaware that they are not the only person inhabiting the planet; therefore the normal everyday needs of others are of no value to them.

The creeping out, because fuck you that’s why.

Once a person who is under the full effects returns to their inconsiderately stationed vehicle, and attempt to leave the asshole area, are still not aware that other people are using the road also.

You will notice these assholes are still under the effects of the phenomena as you witness them pulling out on people, or pushing into a line of traffic in which they had no right to be.

Most infuriatingly perhaps is when you find yourself in a position in which you need to turn onto another road. You are waiting patiently for an appropriate gap in traffic, when a person under the influence of the asshole area will pull up beside you in order to turn in the opposite direction, thus obscuring the view of oncoming traffic you were previously enjoying.

To counteract this intrusion, you creep your vehicle out a little further, only to find that the asshole in the car next to you will creep out further also, with no regard for common decency or consideration.

How long do the effects of this phenomena last?

The effects of this phenomena will be most severe during the times designated for commencement or completion of educational activity. The more congested the asshole territory is, the more severe the associated affects. As the congestion clears, you begin to see a decline in the asshole type behaviour. Less obscenities and far less frequent interpretive dance gestures will be seen, until eventually the territory clears and the phenomenon ceases to occur.


Is there a cure?



Yes! Yes! And YES! The cure my friend is a simple one.

If you find yourself somehow under the influence, and acting in a way that could be considered asshole-ish. Then don’t! 
Quite simply put. If you are being a fucking selfish dick, then stop. Honestly… What the fuck is wrong with you?

*Exasperated hand flinging followed by a bird flip.

That’s pretty much all I have to say about that.


Happy Friday.