Wednesday, July 22, 2015

An angry letter to my phone and internet service provider

Remember when I used to write angry letters? I haven’t written one in a while, that was until yesterday…



Dear phone and internet provider,

I would have called to voice my complaint instead of posting here, only I can’t because I can’t use my phone line.

Again.

My home phone is making a static type sound reminiscent of 1999 rural area of NSW dial up and screeching louder that Courtney Love when she discovered that she didn’t actually inherit Kurt Cobain’s fan base after she killed him.

You guys are already aware of the problem as I called a few days ago in the forty minutes I did have a functioning line.

Before I start you should know that there are several things that frustrate me enough to produce a rage induced nosebleed.

1.       Bigots.

2.       People who say Aks instead of ask

And

3.       Being unable to have full use of my home phone and internet despite sporting a pair of seat less chap pants and touching my toes in order to pay for it every month.

We had a similar problem once before remember? When every time it rained water was getting into the line at the exchange, only we weren’t actually sure of the exact nature of the problem, so you sent these two guys to dig up my front yard. Well… More specifically one guy dug up my front yard and the other guy watched and cleared his throat every five seconds.

I mention this because it wasn’t a polite clearing of the throat, it was that unquestionably disgusting cough followed by a hacking sound, followed by a snort which resembled an elephant giving birth. Wait, that isn’t entirely fair, I mean I haven’t actually heard an elephant giving birth before and they really are graceful creatures so that may not be a fair comparison... You know… For the elephants.

You should know however, that being forcefully subjected to the presence of other peoples mucous annoys me almost as much as monomaniacs, people who mispronounce three letter words and not having access to a functioning phone and internet service.

At any rate, these guys came and were digging up a large patch of my front lawn only… and wait this is a funny story, you will laugh… They found that the problem wasn’t actually IN my front yard... I know right? This was pretty unfortunate for my front lawn, the guy who did all the digging not to mention Harry Mc ‘Hack-it-up who evidently caught himself a throat full of dirt particles. It was however pleasing to my two cats, as well as every neighbourhood cat in an eleven kilometre radius of my house who absolutely delighted in having a fresh patch on newly turned earth in order to lay their own cable if you know what I mean.

Nevertheless, the problem was eventually resolved and I was once again able to work, send emails and converse with other adults that were not my neighbours.

Man. That has to be hands down my favourite part of having a functioning phone and internet service. I am so thankful for everyday that I do not have to rely on geographical convenience in order to socialise. You would be too if you had my neighbours.

There’s this one guy… *Robbo, he REALLY likes that song Khe Sanh by Jimmy Barnes. Who wouldn’t right? It’s a fucking great song. The problem is that it is the ONLY song Robbo likes, and he plays it on repeat loudly every Friday and Saturday night.

I met Jimmy Barnes once, I was going to tell him about Robbo, but there was this whole thing… I was sitting next to Jimmy Barnes’s wife, only I didn’t know it was his wife... and then I made a dick of myself and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him  It’s a long story anyway, I’ll tell you if you ever come and dig up my yard again.

Point is, Robbo loves the SHIZ out of that song.

He also likes yelling “WATCH THIS SHAZ” While he rides around his backyard on his kids Pee Wee 50. Robbo also misplaces his footwear a lot, a problem he blames Shaz for entirely for some reason. I know this because I can also hear him yell “For eff’s sake Sharon, where are me effin’ fongs! How many times to I have to aks ya not to touch me effin stuff!!!”

Poor Sharon is probably beside herself trying to figure out what he is going on about because aks is not even a word.

The other side isn’t much better. I think they are competing in some sort of unopposed lawn Olympics. I am unsure of the rules, but it seems that the aim of the game is to mow, weed, edge and fertilise your lawn as often as you can. I don’t really mind, but the fertiliser really stinks when you end up down wind. 

Not that I can talk really, because I sent the better part of seven months with my entire front yard pungent with the scent of cat turd, which wasn’t entirely MY fault. Just saying.

Anyway that isn’t really all that important, what is important is that I need my phone line and internet service to work, so that I can work, which results in me getting paid and in turn I can step into my seat less chap pants, bend over for England and pay my phone and internet service bill. 

I don’t actually mind paying my bill all that much, seat less chap pants look amazing on me I have a nice bum, I am proud of it. I work it out regularly because I have this thing about farting in front of people, I mean it’s an actual thing. I can’t even fart in front of my husband of fourteen years. I am also lactose intolerant and have several food sensitivities. This makes for a lot of clenching and as a result I have a fabulous arse. I can tell you though that I would definitely enjoy paying a little more if I was paying for something that worked on a consistent basis.

So anyway…Please consider this my formal notice that I will be deducting the days that I have not had full use of the service from the total of the bill. I will also most likely be paying my bill late.

Thanks for taking the time to peruse my complaint, venting like this helps reduce the incidence of rage induced nosebleeds also I needed something to do seeing as I can’t do my work as my phone and internet service is still not working properly.
Just saying.

I sincerely hope that Sock Puppet Johnson, Diggy Mc’Dig-Up-My-Yard, Throat Hack Harry and the rest of the gang have a fantastic day, (and access to a working telephone and internet service).

Cheers,

Emma.