Thursday, February 11, 2016

How to woman- A guide.

This week has been a little shit, as was last week, and the week before. Come to think of it, pretty much the entire duration of 2016 thus far has been unsatisfactory and can inhale my flaccid.

I looked forward to the New Year with thrilling expectation only to find that it is yet to deliver. You know what? It’s kind of like that movie, with what’s it’s face… Abs...*clicks fingers…  Magic Mike Two.

 I was hysterically excited about that movie, like,  I sat in my recliner groaning slightly, muttering the words ‘For the sweet love of all things sacred, Channing.Fucking.Tatum’ under my breath while I fanned my face with one hand and nibbled on popcorn with another. 

Then Pony starts playing, and the grinding and the FUCK I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO BE A POWER TOOL SO MUCH IN MY LIFE, Then…. Nothing. For fuck sake, people wandering around whining that they don’t know what they want to do with their life. JOIN THE FUCKING CLUB!!! 

That was why I went to the movies in the first place! To circumvent my own mind in to forgetting that for a while.  FARK. 
*Punches keyboard *Takes a sip of cool water *takes a small break to google pictures of Channing Tatum.

Anyway. While I am navigating the general bitter unpleasantness that has thus far been 2016, not having any idea what I am doing, I am buoyed by the fact that until I figure it out, I can open my social media feeds and be instructed on how to woman at least.
This brings me to...

How to woman.  A guide. VOL 2.

For those playing along at home,  this is the second post in a series of chirography, that will help you make sense of the abundance of helpful womaning advice and the principal of acceptable behaviour in the media each week.

The first of which is this article HERE. This was sent to me quite a few times.

Did you know that you can lift things with your vagina?

 I mean, I pick things up with my feet all the time, it was a skill I learned after having a baby that lived on my hip for two years. I would drop things, or the baby would drop things, and I would swiftly scoop my foot over to the dropped object, curl my toes around it and thrust my leg into a nimble bum kick and retrieve the object.

Oh, and there was this one time, I was hung over as arse; I was so hungover I was actually impressed I was still alive. 
All I could do was lay on the couch and watch Netflix right? I inevitably dropped the remote, it was just out of reach, and instead of getting up to pick it up I did this impressive planking manoeuvre off the lounge, grabbed the remote, but then I got stuck and had to drop the remote and use the coffee table to hoist myself back on the lounge. 

Needless to say the remote stayed on the floor, and I lay there thinking of ways to train my bird Kev or perhaps one of the many cats to fetch things for me until Cabbage walked past to pick it up.

Never in my life had I contemplated picking things up with my vagina! This woman does, she can lift a multitude of items with hers.

Her favourite items apparently are Garden gnomes and Gluten free, organic, coconut sugared donuts. 
I know right? I cant even make this shit up... I really don't mean to judge, but fucking gluten free *Rolls eyes, but to be fair I can imagine the plain old Wendy’s cinnamon may be a little burny.

This got me thinking, should I be lifting things with my vagina?  Is my vagina pulling its weight? (Pardon the pun) 

I thought about all the things I could do if my no good, lazy arse vag would start helping out. 

I could move furniture, I could open pasta sauce jars, I could walk the dogs with my vagina! Maybe even mow the lawn? Heck, if this lady can pick up a surfboard with hers I could definitely probably carry a few Coles bags if it wasn’t full of tins or cat food and stuff, I could change a toilet roll, I could pick up the bits of detritus that gather along the skirting boards, all like squat and sweep.
 I could water the garden, I could even crack open a Corona slice a thin wedge of lime and serve it to myself with my vagina!
I could be all like, *Cheers to an improving 2016!

 Then I remembered... Fucking foul and I have hands and I went about my day.